Portland, OR—In America’s most anti-car town, a Les Schwab store attacked a red Hundai SUV on an erratic-yet-casual afternoon drive. Experts are puzzled what motivated the attack and the building has been placed on house arrest, despite potential zoning conflicts with the city. The sport utility vehicle’s future remains uncertain and mourners are expected to begin to gather this week.
1:14 pm • 9 October 2014
Portland, OR—When the occupants are out, the buildings will play! When the 33-year-old resident of this brick apartment building went out for coffee, the building attacked a passing Buick! Thankfully the car is expected to pull through and recover.
5:52 pm • 22 September 2014
Berlin, New Jersey—In a shocking ring of events, a donut shop attacked one of its regular customers without provocation today. The victim happened to be an on-duty police officer who promptly arrested the sweets dealer.
(Source: Washington Post)
2:46 pm • 20 September 2014 • 4 notes
Chicago, IL—Cars continue to be extremely safe and have never been known to cause a single traffic crash. Recently however, pools have begun to join buildings in the attack on automotive freedom. Cars are now cautioned to be very concerned about drowning.
2:48 pm • 31 July 2014 • 3 notes
Evansville, IN—For the first time in recorded history, Hell itself attacked a car as it was peacefully moving through an intersection at high speeds. Bible experts from the Westboro Baptist Church concluded that this is the logical result of homosexuals living on the same planet as this car.
4:13 pm • 12 June 2014 • 11 notes
Evansville, IN—On Monday Lanhuck’s Tavern got depressed and wandered into traffic, crippling an innocent car operating recklessly nearby. Authorities were shocked and appalled at the bar’s drunken behavior, but weren’t prepared for the building’s slow collapse into despair across the week. Cars are warned to drive far away from the building lane. Fortunately, with the police station right across the street, officers have an eagle eye on the building’s emotional collapse.
8:45 pm • 21 May 2014 • 1 note
This house is simply out of control and needs to stay out the road.
(Source: memewhore, via myspaids)
12:20 pm • 21 May 2014 • 439 notes
Berkeley, CA—Apple introduced the new iCar today, but due to a malfunction in the programming, their stores have made a habit of crashing into the iCars. Apple Stores have been criminalized and will be removed from all roadways.
10:50 am • 10 May 2014 • 1 note
Lehigh Acres, FL—Star Food Mart “convenient” store drove straight through a BMW today. In disgust, the owner of the store admitted, "If I wait one more second, I would be under the store." Florida continues to lead America in building crashes.
5:30 pm • 3 May 2014 • 1 note
Portland, OR—An ongoing Communist threat reared its ugly shell this week when a bus shelter attacked a car in traffic. The Commie Bunker is slated for immediate demolition.
4:22 pm • 2 May 2014 • 1 note