Chicago, IL—Cars continue to be extremely safe and have never been known to cause a single traffic crash. Recently however, pools have begun to join buildings in the attack on automotive freedom. Cars are now cautioned to be very concerned about drowning.
2:48 pm • 31 July 2014 • 3 notes
Evansville, IN—For the first time in recorded history, Hell itself attacked a car as it was peacefully moving through an intersection at high speeds. Bible experts from the Westboro Baptist Church concluded that this is the logical result of homosexuals living on the same planet as this car.
4:13 pm • 12 June 2014 • 9 notes
Evansville, IN—On Monday Lanhuck’s Tavern got depressed and wandered into traffic, crippling an innocent car operating recklessly nearby. Authorities were shocked and appalled at the bar’s drunken behavior, but weren’t prepared for the building’s slow collapse into despair across the week. Cars are warned to drive far away from the building lane. Fortunately, with the police station right across the street, officers have an eagle eye on the building’s emotional collapse.
8:45 pm • 21 May 2014 • 1 note
This house is simply out of control and needs to stay out the road.
(Source: memewhore, via myspaids)
12:20 pm • 21 May 2014 • 437 notes
Berkeley, CA—Apple introduced the new iCar today, but due to a malfunctioning in the programming, their stores have made a habit of crashing into the iCars. Apple Stores have been criminalized and will be removed from all roadways.
10:50 am • 10 May 2014 • 1 note
Lehigh Acres, FL—Star Food Mart “convenient” store drove straight through a BMW today. In disgust, the owner of the store admitted, "If I wait one more second, I would be under the store." Florida continues to lead America in building crashes.
5:30 pm • 3 May 2014 • 1 note
Portland, OR—An ongoing Communist threat reared its ugly shell this week when a bus shelter attacked a car in traffic. The Commie Bunker is slated for immediate demolition.
4:22 pm • 2 May 2014 • 1 note
San Diego, CA—A fire hydrant was suspected of being intoxicated when it crashed into a moving car this past weekend. Authorities are investigating how to remove all fire hydrants in response.
4:05 pm • 21 April 2014 • 3 notes
England, UK—A series of brutal attacks have continued this week, where even stationary walls have begun crashing into cars relentlessly. Authorities, who previously believed that walls prevented building attacks, are now being forced to reconsider their methods of how to end the War on Cars.
10:01 am • 7 April 2014 • 5 notes
Milwaukie, OR—In a brutal attack, a public safety building crashed into a car that was minding its own business, driving erratically nearby. Public protests are expected to surround the building throughout the week, demanding it live up to its function!
2:30 pm • 6 April 2014