England, UK—A series of brutal have continued this week, where even stationary walls have begun attacking cars relentlessly. Authorities, who previously believed that walls preventing building attacks, are now being forced to reconsider their methods of how to end the War on Cars.
10:01 am • 7 April 2014 • 5 notes
Milwaukie, OR—In a brutal attack, a public safety building crashed into a car that was minding its own business, driving erratically nearby. Public protests are expected to surround the building throughout the week, demanding it live up to its function!
2:30 pm • 6 April 2014
England, UK—Boats are proving themselves to make very poor decisions while operating in traffic, causing numerous car accidents. Officials have advised to drive fast and recklessly if you ever see a boat operating anywhere near your car.
10:01 am • 4 April 2014 • 3 notes
London, UK—Pool attacks against cars have been steadily on the rise throughout the last few years and law enforcement is advising to behave very cautiously while bodies of water are traveling near your car.
12:01 pm • 3 April 2014 • 1 note
Shreveport, LA—JFK conspiracy theorists shut down the internet today with excessive tweets about the 220 bridge crashing into a truck, spilling 2,200 corn dogs on I-20, and effectively shutting down the bridge for 11 hours. “We know that the number two is of great significance. We just don’t know why yet.” tweeted Mark Lane. “Some sources can’t handle the truth and are reporting as many as 75,000 corn dogs” tweeted Jim Garrison. Alex Jones will be assembling his followers later today to speak truth to power.
1:10 pm • 26 March 2014
Wichita Falls, TX—Children, frequently known as society’s freeloaders, tend to congregate in bastions of misbehavior called “toy stores.” A Toys R’ Us location crashed into an SUV that was innocently driving recklessly in its parking lot and in a true miscarriage of justice, the car was blamed for the incident.
5:00 pm • 24 March 2014
Santa Clara, CA—Salvation Army, an extension of the good-for-nothing federal government, felt the need to prove this today by crashing into a passing sedan.
4:25 pm • 15 March 2014 • 2 notes
Jacksonville, FL—Southern Nutrition Health Foods crashed into an innocent car today. Authorities have long warned about the young building and cautioned it about its behavior in traffic. Fortunately, after many prayers, the car is expected to recover. Florida continues to lead the U.S. in buildings crashing into cars.
8:26 pm • 7 March 2014 • 1 note
Bellingham, WA—Hiding behind federal protection laws, post offices continue to brazenly attack in The War on Cars. Fortunately, the car is expected to fully recover.
10:02 am • 2 March 2014
Philadelphia, PA—A Crown Fried Chicken Restaurant brutally crashed into a car from New Jersey, a state surprisingly not responsible for more building crashes. This might have been a typical incident in the City of Brotherly Love up until the moment that a man emerged from the car, disrobed, and began manual operation of his dink, to find pleasure during a sorrow-filled occasion.
8:18 am • 29 January 2014 • 6 notes